Were you aware that rocket science is “really quite simple?” I was previously under the mistaken impression that it was sort of hard.

Dilton can add necromancy to his resume, as he summons the spirit of Sir Isaac Newton to layman’s-terms his third law of motion. Newton also said that the world would end around 2060,  but Dilt banishes Sir Isaac back to the ghostly ether before the subject of the apocalypse comes up. Instead we’re treated to the world’s most inept hunter, who demonstrates Newton’s third law by shooting into thin air instead of at the duck that’s approximately 10 yards away from him.

Add also to Dilton’s talents the ability to talk while blowing up a balloon.

“Well, that’s how rockets work, stupid peons. Seriously, couldn’t you have figured this shit out for yourselves? It’s so fucking easy that even Hot Dog could understand it. I don’t know why the Government is wasting so much taxpayer money on NASA, anyway…obviously a 16-year-old with access to nothing more than a high school chemistry lab can build a working rocket.”

Enlighten us, Mr. Doiley, as to how rockets differ from jets.

Yes, that’s right: rocket engines carry their own oxygen supply, in the form of lox. Isn’t that the stuff you put on bagels? Come on, Dilt, if you’re going to use a technical acronym, at least have the decency to spell it out for us. We’re not all 16-year-old rocket scientists, you know.

In all honesty, though, this is a good little overview of the mechanics behind how rockets and jets work. I now feel sufficiently qualified to go build a space shuttle. Hopefully the local high school will let me use their chemistry lab.

Life with Archie
Issue 16, September 1962

Well, this certainly seems highly plausible.

Life with Archie
Issue 64, August 1967
“Bring on the Dancing Girls”

Apparently 1967 is the year that Frank Doyle began experimenting with drugs while writing his Life with Archie stories. I do not disapprove.

Betty & Veronica
Issue 122, February 1966
“Smack! Smack!”

If this happened more often, I could learn to love Betty. That perfect form, those fishnet stockings, that gleefully evil look on her face…ah, yes, this is a Betty Cooper I could hang with.

Yes, that’s right: Veronica is the first member of the Gang to take Betty up on her (ludicrously cheap) offer to “hire herself out.” I don’t know what all Veronica’s got stuffed in that bag, but Betty seems to be at least slightly enjoying herself. Maybe this won’t be so bad, after all, she thinks. Veronica’s pretty, and she bathes regularly, and I occasionally like her…I think I can do this. And, really, Veronica lives to pay people to do shit for her — she’s not going to be too cruel of a mistress.

Jughead is next in line to throw a dollar Betty’s way in exchange for her servicing him as he sees fit.

Jughead, our resident woman-hater, must be as condescending and hateful as possible. Especially to Betty, whom he wants to see as the perfect example of a weak, greedy female, but who often challenges his paradigm (classic Jughead’s relationship with Betty is deliciously complex). Jughead tries to justify his degradation of Betty with the old “it was her idea” argument, as if Betty’s consent to accept money for her services makes it morally acceptable for Jughead to thoroughly exploit her. Betty is ashamed here, her worldview shaken: she harbors no illusions about the depths to which some humans will go to degrade and/or control another human being.

Also, get a load of Mr. Righteous-Pants Andrews over there, reading Juggie the riot act over his demeaning treatment of our ponytailed protagonist. Archie is setting himself up to be a white knight of Richard Gere-ian proportions.

Next up is Reginald Mantle, asshole extraordinaire. What sick perversions does he have in store for our gentle blonde heroine?

Reggie is into some kinky shit, yo.

Finally it is time for Prince Charming to state the obvious.

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

Despite his lack of loquaciousness, Archie is no dummy: he knows that Betty will continue willfully degrading herself unless he steps in and saves her. Even more, he finds out why Betty ventured down her new career path.

SHE WANTS TO BUY A BIRTHDAY GIFT FOR HER MOTHER. O! how her friends have misinterpreted her! Instead of whoring herself out for selfish purposes, she has been whoring herself out for altruistic reasons! Now they feel ashamed by what they did, by how willingly they exploited her…by how “rough” they were “on her.”

Archie has hired Betty for the next three days and is currently letting her rest. Lest you think our sweater-vested savior too much of a gentleman, though, he isn’t going to let his “service contract” (as it were) go to complete waste — as he makes perfectly clear to Veronica.

One word: anal.

Betty & Veronica
Issue 74, February 1962
“Small Fry”

For a woman-hater like 1960s Jughead, this is distressing news indeed.